THE scene is the 7th floor of a block of flats in Sea Point, Cape Town. The Smith family – Dad Tom, wife Wendy, son Mark (16) and daughter Sarah (15) are under lockdown, writes DAVID MOLLETT.
As usual, Dad, Tom, is in the living room watching overseas racing.
Mark: “Dad, not Shat-In again! First of all the name is a stinker and you don’t know the jocks and trainers like back here.”
Dad: “Grab me another beer, boy. How many we down to?”
Mark: “Five, Dad, and there was no easing from the President last Thursday. You’re just TV mad. If its not racing its Blood Relatives, Blue Bloods or Midsommer Murders. Blimey, the things some family members get up to in Blood Relatives is scary.”
Happily, we don’t fall into that category but I have to tell you Mum, Sarah and I had a meeting in Sarah’s bedroom last night and we’ve come up with something we think you’ll understand – three objections.
You’re always going on about how your horse should have got the race on an objection, so we’re keeping our fingers crossed that our three will be sustained.
First up is Mum. She’s lodging an objection against you watching Gulfstream Park tomorrow night. Instead, she wants to watch Farmer Wants A Wife: Australia. Now her choice is a bit of a worry – hope she’s not considering deserting us for a more exciting life ‘Down Under’. After all, she is only 40.
Dad: “Don’t be daft, son. She’s a bit moody because she thinks I like that lady commentator in Sweden. Anyway, I guess it’s a relief she didn’t choose Blood Relatives.”
Mark: “Right, Dad. Objection number two comes from sister, Sarah. She wants to book two hours on Saturday night – instead of Gulfstream – to watch the One World concert which has got all those stars performing. She says there’s Lady GaGa, Taylor Swift, Billie Eilish, some old geezer called Elton John and a group she’s never heard of The Rolling Stones.
“Now I know the mention of One World is a touchy subject. I remember you telling Uncle Jack before the Met that “there’s more chance of One World flying to the moon than staying 2000 metres.” We all know the result.
“The third objection comes from myself. Now I know there’s no more chance of us holidaying in Miami than CNN saying something nice about Donald Trump, but I would really like to watch CSI Miami.
“It’s got this real cool guy in it called Horatio Kane – never says 10 words when five will do, unlike Grandma. Now I know the name Kane will perk your interest, but he’s no relation of that fellow at Spurs who you’ve backed to finish in the top four. More money, I’m afraid, for those Betting World people in Main Road.
“Now we don’t feel we’ll have to call in lady prosecutor, Erin Reagan, from Blue Bloods to have our objections upheld – we feel we hold a trump card.
“Remember on the Thursday when they had that last Vaal meeting before the lockdown. You said you were off to have a bet and would be back in a couple of hours. Well, Sarah just happened to be shopping in Main Road and saw you walk into a place with THAI MASSAGE in big letters on the door. Strange place to take a bet.
“So, Dad, please consider our objections carefully. Should they be overruled – this could be the outcome. Instead of Farmer Wants A Wife: Australia it could well be Dad Wants a Wife: Cape Town.”